round and round

We thought we had gotten a solution to the foreclosure threat, our mortgage company bending over backwards but what good is it if we get NO NEW BUsiNESS FOR 4 WEEKS? huh ARE THE POWERS THAT BE LISTENING? I'm working my butt off doing so much data entry my shoulders are on fire at the end of the day and no one is calling. I suppose I should just resign myself to the fact that the house will go and we will be up shit's creek without a paddle. I wonder if there are any creek front rentals on shit's creek that are going cheap. I am tired. Tired of the worry, the fear and the struggle. I give up. Hear that Powers that BE? I give up. You win.

I am pissed

My nighttime meds are missing. They are my muscle relaxers that allow me to sleep and a full bottle is gone. No I didn't misplace it anywhere, it never leaves the sink in the bathroom and sleeping is nearly impossible without it. Of course, all manner of people were over the house last night and tonight and I suspect my pills and bottle went home in someone's pocket. I'M PISSED THAT THE MEDS ARE GONE, PISSED BECAUSE I'M CERTAIN THEY WERE STOLEN BUT MOSTLY PISSED BECAUSE I HAD THE THOUGHT LAST NIGHT THAT SOMEONE MIGHT WALK OFF WITH THEM but didn't listen to that inner voice and left them where they were.

merry go round

but without the merry.
up and down, round and round, this foreclosure thing never seems to be resolved. We aren't getting the clients for the business so we aren't making the money so we can't pay the mortgage even with the generous offers from first and second mortgage companies. I'm beginning to want it over one way or the other.I walk around with a burning lump of coal in the pit of my stomach and can't sleep even with the meds I take for fibro and when I do sleep I have the weirdest dreams. Can this end now please?

Sad Sunday

I've been in my craft room all day, trying to occupy my mind with something other than all that crap we are facing. But I look up from my beading to see ghost shapes on the wall, stamped there when the sons were young and something I've never been able to paint over. I could have, I just don't want to. And then one of those dog adoption commercials come on a and I think about our big dog Rocco and wonder if we can take him with us. He's 75 pounds so fairly large so how likely is it that someone would rent to us with him. But he's such a sweetheart it will kill me to give him away. I never would recover. This is what keeps me up at night. How much will our lives change and will the older son move with us and how his life will change and the dog and all the ways good especially when your head keeps whispering awful what ifs into your ear hourly. I just have to hope I can handle the change and not crumple into pieces. I fear that crumple I will. I can be so predictable

Little Blue House

I live in a little blue house. A rather delapidated little blue house. It nneds so much work that we cannot afford to do. We need a new kitchen floor and there are four overhead light fixtures that no longer work. The gardens are overgrown and the bamboo in the back yard is slowly making its way to the house where it will probably stop in for a plate of the older son's spaghetti.
It's a little blue house. It's a crummy little blue house but it is home and it is in danger. We have our own business that isn't doing well at all. We've been treated out of a couple of large commissions which would have helped in catching up with the bills.
So we are drowning and home is threatened and I plan on using this blog to chronical the whole sorry mess, hoping it will help me deal with it. If I ever could.